HUMOR

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a

long illness. The doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in

the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You

have cancer, and it can't be cured, you'd best put

your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked but being a solid character, he

managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's

office into the waiting room, where his son was

waiting.

"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good,

and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this

case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head

to the pub and have a few pints".

After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less

somber. There were some laughs and some more beers.

They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's

friends, who were curious as to what the two were

celebrating. O'Malley told them they were drinking to

his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been

diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they

had a couple of more beers.

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and

whispered his confusion.

"Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of

cancer, and you just told your friends that you were

dying of AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with

your Mother after I am gone."

You gotta love the Irish


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BRITISH IRISH RELATIONS


This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between theBritish and the Irish,off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98 radioconversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-01:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid acollision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, toavoid a collision. 

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees tothe South to avoid a collision. 

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again,divert YOUR course. 

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course. 

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA!---- THE SECONDLARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BYTHREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. IDEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN,THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse.
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Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. "Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!" "Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?" "No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!
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"A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.
The Texan says : "Takes me a whole goddam day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other.
"The Kerry farmer says:"Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too."
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Why does it take five Irishmen to change a lightbulb?

One to change the bulb.

Four to remark about how grand the old bulb was.
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How do we know that Christ was Irish?Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.

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Ireland Declares War On Iraq

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
--
"Hello, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
--
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
--
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
--
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
--
"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
--
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
--
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
--
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
--
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
--
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
--
Once again, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
--
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
--
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
--
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
--
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
--
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a few pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
--
God Bless the Irish! Have a great day and keep on smiling!!!
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MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. 
While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. 
As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by. 
"What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon. 
"Fishin'," said MacAndrews. 
"Caught anything?" 
"Ach, nae a bite," 
"What are ye usin' fer bait?" 
"Worms" 
"Let me see it," said O'Bannon. 
MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. 
As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out. 
"Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon. 
"No!" shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, 
"The worm's got a salmon by the throat!"

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